Getting healthy in 2014

I started a work out challenge with one of my besties Melissa. Its a 90 day challenge built by a mom for mom's to lose the baby belly and get healthy. Here is the link to her site 

http://bikinibodymommy.com/category/90-day-challenge/

She is such an inspiration. If you haven't heard of her you should read her story. Basically she has done this challenge 2 times and this is her 3rd time doing it. This is the first time she has added videos to the work out. Each day she posts on her website, facebook group and youtube the work out for the day. I love how easy it is to schedule the workout into my day. Its always 20 min or less (unless you chose to do 45 min cardio instead of the 20 HIIT workout for cardio day). The workouts aren't easy. They definitely kick my butt. Thats a good thing though. If it was easy then it wouldn't do anything for my body, but I can get through it. I feel stronger each day. I love how she is going through the work out right along side me. Its a good change up from the usual workout videos you see with a skinny minnie leading the workout asking why youre struggling and saying "if I can do it you can too!". haha right. She has 30 pounds to lose (her words not mine) too so its nice seeing someone that looks like me doing the workout. She gets tired and winded at the end of the workout too! And then she is right there the next day doing the work out. It makes me feel like I can do it too. Another great motivator for me is that Melissa is doing it with me. We text each other before and after our workouts and give support. Also one day that Melissa didn't want to do it I texted her and told her she had to do it and to push through. Then 2 days later she did the same for me. Ya we rock like that :) We have been eating healthier too! Like the Briana (work out trainer) says "you cant out train a bad diet".  I got discouraged the first week when I gained 2 pounds but then Briana said in her video that day that its to be expected with working out. Water weight, muscle, your body is changing. I think measured my belly and I had lost 2 inches! I would love if my body would just transform in a 2 week period but its just not how it happens. I need to have patience and keep pushing on. The results will come.

After I had Noah I tried to lose the extra weight I had gained. I tried for a couple days and then did one or more of the following each time I made a commitment to lose the weight. I either 1. got bored of working out and quit   2. Got busy and didn't make it a priority 3. Got discouraged that I didn't see results right away.  4 hated the workout I was doing and just quit. 5. Decided not doing anything was easy.

Each time I basically decided it wasn't important enough to push through to the end. I had lost 20lbs of the 30 I had gained quit easily just from giving birth and then breastfeeding. The last 10 pounds I didn't lose. I then got pregnant with miss Rebekah a year after having Noah. That's when I lost those 10pounds I had gained while pregnant with Noah. I was throwing up so much I lost 10 pounds with in the first month of being pregnant. Then of course as pregnancy goes I gained that 10 back plus. At the end of my pregnancy with Rebekah I was 40 pounds heavier than my prebabies weight. Again just having a baby and breastfeeding (had to stop BF when Rebekah was 4 mo) I lost 20pounds again like nothing. Now I am 7 months postpartum and still 20 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant the first time. I realize having a baby means your body changes. In some ways it will never be the same. I'm ok with that in some ways. I can't lie to you and say that I love it because it reminds me that I'm a mother, or that I have a true women's body now. I just don't feel that way. I have seen so many blog posts on facebook and all over the internet about mothers embracing their postpartum bodies and not wanting to get back into the shape they were before having babies. They are beautifully written and empowering. I agree with the message. Love yourself for who you are. This is the body that created life. I get it. I do. Yet, I still don't read those articles and think "ya I'm fine with my body. The extra fat, stretch marks on my sides, weak muscles. Its all because I had a baby and thats beautiful. " ya, not so much for me. I know plenty of women out there are happy with their bodies post baby even without fitting in their old jeans, or having a toned stomach. To them I say "way to go! Thats great that you can be so comfortable in your own skin and I'm sure you look great".  Even if I was happy with my body I think its still good to work out and be your best self. You can be happy and love your self and still have goals to be better. I feel like sometimes when I read those articles its saying that working out and losing the extra weight isn't a necessity and therefore you shouldn't worry about it. I agree its not a necessity. I have babies to take care of and other things to do. But taking time out of my day for me to work out is something that is good for me. I may not always want to do it but after I do I feel so good!

I would love to say that I am happy in my own skin and that I love my body how it is. I just don't. I know part of it is due to the postpartum depression I'm struggling with, another part is due to the fact that I don't think I ever really liked my body even when I was thinner. Yet another part is probably due to I'm a women and I'm crazy, as Sean so lovingly points out. Being skinner and having a toned body is not going to just fix my insecurities with my body. Its deeper than that.  However I still want to work out and lose this extra weight I have gained over the last two babies. I don't think I will get back down to the weight I was before Noah. I'm a different women now. I have hips and a chest I never had before being a baby maker. To me wanting to lose the weight and get more toned isn't just about looking good. I don't think I need to fit back into a mold of who I was almost 4 years ago. I do however want to be healthy. I want to be able to go for a run and not be exhausted after going half a mile and having to walk until I have the strength to run again. I want to be an example to my children that being healthy isn't about being skinny. (Even though I really do want to be skinny haha Can't lie). Its about eating right and taking care of your body.

Briana says to post your before pictures so you can be accountable and continue to work out and get to the end of the challenge. My ever so lovely friend Melissa did and gave me the motivation to do it too. I was going back and forth with doing it. Here they are.

And these last pictures are from the first day of the challenge. I was going to wear a t shirt but I really wanted to be able to see the change at the end so I took the plunge and wore my work out bra thing. 

My struggle with Postpartum Depression

Being a mother is amazing and so fulfilling. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Wealth, nice things, nights out, even ice cream are nothing compared to holding a little one in your arms and knowing they are yours forever. I love my children dearly. I would give anything for their happiness. I think thats just a mothers love right?

Well all of this is true, but then how do I still at times want to just leave and not come back? That is the life with PPD. At least for me it is. I'm sure like most things (pregnancy, labor, life situations) its different for everyone. When I had Noah I had the baby blues for a week or two. You know the occasional crying and not really knowing why, the sleep deprived hormonal break downs, and the just wanting life to go back to what it was cuz it was easier but then realizing you love you baby so much that its going to be ok. It was tough but I got through it with out too much difficultly. Noah started to sleep more and I started to manage my time differently to accommodate the new little one I was caring for. I.e. napping when he did, not killing myself doing chores all day. After a few days of that I was fine and back to normal. Well as normal as you can be after having a child. After all having a baby does change you in ways. 

This time however is completely different that it was the first time. It makes me feel so very guilty knowing its so different. As if its going to hurt Rebekah in some way that I had an easier time with her brother. (Rebekah when youre reading this just know that I love you just as much as Noah. My body just reacted differently with your birth than it did with Noah. I had no control over it. I have to keep reminding myself of that fact as well) I feel like its not fair that I was fine with Noah and now this time I'm not. I am struggling so much to just keep my head above water and appear as if nothing is happening underneath the surface. I don't want people to know that my legs are jerking frantically under there trying to get up yet my face is just smiling and not showing a thing. I have a hard time, like most people, showing my weakness. I hate that I have them. I know I'm not perfect but I like to try to be the best I can to be. Thats probably what makes things even harder for me when I don't do as I expect things should be done. I freak out and then come to the conclusion that I'm a horrible _______ "person, mother, friend, wife) 

So what have things been like behind the upbeat, cheery, facebook posts and pictures, and instagrams? Well kind of all over the place. Sometimes I am fine. Then others I'm in a ball of shame and self doubt. I was literally crying off and on all day when I was home alone with the kids. Most of the time I wasn't even sure why. I thought at the first couple weeks it had to just be the normal baby blues and that it would soon subside. But then things just got progressively worse as I tried to hide it from everyone even Sean. I would have bad thoughts about myself. Never anything like wanting to hurt myself but just self loathing thoughts. I was having a hard time making myself eat. I just wasn't hungry and then I would realize I hadn't eaten all day and I would be starving but then not want to eat. I had insomnia so bad. Even when Bekah was sleeping I would just lay there staring at her knowing she was going to wake up soon. Then I would wake up to her stirring wanting to eat and realize I had just fallen asleep. I tried to make myself go to sleep but the anxiety wouldn't let me. I kept telling myself it was ok and that I just needed sleep and I would feel better. Even when I did manage to get in a couple good hours of sleep in I was still feeling those things. I was tired, irritated, and then angry I was feeling that way and couldn't seem to control it. I was getting irritated by my kids too for them simply wanting my attention or crying. I hated that I was getting upset with them for stupid things like that. What kind of mother does that? Not the kind I want to be. 

The night I realized I needed to tell someone about it was the night I wanted to hit Noah til he went to sleep. . . Just typing that makes me shake and want to cry right now. I can't believe that thought came into my head. Where did that come from? I didn't put it there. I would never hit my child. I don't even spank. How could I think of hitting him like that? I'm a horrible mother, I'm a horrible wife. I shouldn't even be allowed to be here. I should just leave. Those were the thoughts going through my head that night. I told Sean all the things I was dealing with while he held me and listened. He told me that he loves me and that our children love me. He said that those things were nothing like how I am. He said that I was a wonderful mother that is just going through a hard thing I can't control right now and that we will figure out how to make it better. I felt ashamed talking about it but also relieved that someone knew what was  going on in my head. Sean told me that he thinks I have PPD. I freaked out when he said that and said no I don't I'm a good mom. I'm fine. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe something was broken with me. I kept thinking if I had that then I am a bad mom and I need to be fixed. A dear friend from my moms ward said to me recently that "youre not broken and nothing needs to be fixed. You need to be understood not fixed" I agree with that so fully. Having depression does not mean I am broken and I'm glad she corrected that foolish way of thinking. I just have a weakness I'm going through right now and Ill be made stronger because of it. 

Another thing I didn't understand is how I could be fine and then all of a sudden I wasn't and I was crying or freaking out again. I felt like maybe it was in my head and I was somehow causing it to be a drama queen or something silly like that. I tried to control it and just stop being sad and it didn't work. Then that would make me even more upset til I was angry that I couldn't make it stop. I told Andrea that and she said "well thats what depression is. Its not like a constant sad pit. Well it can be but mostly its just an up and down thing you have to learn to work through" 

There is a lady in my ward that went through really bad (like had to go to the hospital) PPD 3 years ago when she had her daughter. She talked a little bit about it in her Relief Society lesson and I started to cry when I went up to talk to her after. She asked if I was going through it and I said that I think I am. She gave me a hug and we exchanged numbers. We have been texting since then and its good talking to someone that knows what I'm going through. 

I went to my doctor for my 6 week check up and told him everything that was going on as well. He said that yes that is infact PPD and prescribed me with Zoloft. I haven't started taking it yet because reading the side affects scared me. Also Sean agrees with me that I don't want to do that while breastfeeding. I know it gets to my baby and even though research says they haven't found any negative effects for the baby I can't seem to be ok with that. If it causes all those other things in women taking it there has to be something it could do to the baby. I don't know thats just my way of thinking. I know plenty of women that breastfeed have taken it and their babies are fine but I just still dont want to do it. No judgement on those that do. We all have to do what we think is best for our children and us. Right now the treatment I have decided to go with is the natural ways of fighting depression. I know this has to just be a hormone issue or something so that has to be worked through sooner or later in my body and for now I just have to deal with it. 

I have been talking about my feelings and concerns more with Sean and my sisters. They are a wonderful support and make me feel better even just being able to feel save enough to talk. Amanda Robyn and Andrea are just great sisters and I'm eternally grateful to them. Also talking to Jessica and Melissa has helped to. They remind me that just because I am struggling with this doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. I love them. 

The other things that I have been doing are praying and reading my scriptures more. Especially when I'm feeling sad or having bad thoughts about myself. Reading Gods word makes me feel at peace and I know that my Father in Heaven is there and knows me and knows my struggles and my weaknesses and still love me. I know that I can work through it. My mom gave me some oil blend that is supposed to help with depression that I have been using as well. Also I have been going to my parents house during the day when I start to feel depressed. Its nice to have their support. Basically I just have a wonderful support system that make things better when I'm having a hard time. 

Sean is the most amazing husband I could ever ask for. He has been picking up any slack I have left behind and has been giving me so much love and support. 

I think one of the things that was making it worse was not getting enough sleep. I have been getting better sleep lately. Noah was a champion sleeper. Rebekah however goes back and forth so much. She is a fussy sleeper. She will have one or two good nights then followed by some really bad nights where she wakes up and doesn't want to go back to sleep for hours. Not fun. We have been reading the book "healthy sleep habits happy child" and implementing the things we have learned from it and it seems to be going better.   

 Even with its hard and trying moments I am grateful to be a mom. I have been feeling better this last week and a half. I still have anxiety attacks some nights but their are getting better. And I know this won't last forever.  Not everything has been hard and I'm so in love with my little Rebekah. I love the sweet moments between her and Noah. I love watching Sean with the kids and seeing how much love he has for them. I am a blessed mama. I remind myself of that everyday.

Post baby body

I have to say I'm pretty happy so far with my post baby body. Still work to do? Well of course. I'd love to get rid of the love handles and tighten up my belly. But for 5 days after having a baby I am quite pleased! My wedding ring fits again. I gained 24 pounds during my pregnancy and this morning I have lost 15 pounds! I only have 9 more to go and I haven't even started working out. I am going to wait a couple weeks til I have more energy and my birthing parts won't be sore afterward. Haha.

I didn't get to my pre-pregnancy weight after Noah until I was pregnant with Rebekah and throwing up all the time. So already feeling good and losing so much makes me have more hope this time around. I feel really good physically as well. I am obviously tired from the sleep schedule but other than that I have a good amount of energy during the day. Taking naps with the kids helps a lot. Noah and Rebekah go down for a nap at 10am so I get to as well. It's so great having Sean home for the next week and a half too. 

Basically I'm just a happy wife and mama. My hubby is super sweet and helpful, my Noah child is adorable and kind and Rebekah is sweet and beautiful. I'm way happy with my progress on weight and energy. Life is going well. We are a blessed home. 

Home at last, family reunited

It's so great to be home as a family. Sean and I have missed our Noah bug. I cried the first night after Elizabeth took him to her house. It was just strange to be away from him so long. I'm happy that Sean's family brought him to the hospital for a couple hours during the day. It's just no fun for a child to be there too long.

Our stay at banner gateway was really nice but it's so much better to be home with all our stuff. The staff was so kind and took care of us perfectly. The food is delicious there too! We had family come and visit with us and a couple friends too. We also had a lot of time for just the three of us to chill and get to know each other. Rebekah is such a quite baby so far. She has only cried maybe four times. Sean calls her squeakers because she makes little squeaky sighs as she sleeps. 

Breast feeding is going so smoothly! I am so elated about this. She just latches right on and eats for 30-40 minutes at a time. 

Ondalynn is a sweetheart and tidying up the apartment before we came home. It was so nice to come home to a clean home. 

Noah is getting used to having a sister. He is really sweet with her. He loves grabbing her feet and kissing them. He also blows kisses at her. He likes sharing his toys with her. Noah is just growing up so much. 

Oh and a little brag time. I'm looking skinner already. This makes me super happy. I fit in my old clothes now but they are still a little snug. My wedding ring fits now too!! 

I don't know if you can tell but my mind is kind of scatterbrained right now. Haha. Anyway we are happy to be home. A family of 4 :) 

Things are progressing

I'm officially in the 3rd trimester! 27 weeks:) 3 months to go and we get to meet our little Rebekah. I have a dr appointment this Thursday. We will get to hear her heartbeat and hear how she is growing. I think I get another ultrasound around 30 something weeks. I don't think I've gained much weight still but the belly is growing. I've been having heartburn a lot but nothing crazy. Also I eat all the time!! I'm always hungry!!! Bekah moves so much and very strongly. It feels like he is doing gymnastics in my belly haha. I don't remember Noah's movements being this strong.

Noah is doing well with me holding other babies now. He doesn't mind when he sees me holding Joshua as long as he gets to be close to me too. He grabs at my belly a lot and says Bekah an sometimes bites my stomach. He is going through a biting stage. We are trying to break him of that habit. He does it to be silly. He doesn't realize it hurts. It's because we play bite him but we use our lips. He hasn't figured that out.

Other news for our growing boy. Noah took a tiny little poo in the toilet this week! He let daddy know he had to go so Sean put him on the toilet and he went! It was exciting. I was at work but Sean texted me about the bug moment. He said he gave him lots of praise and that Noah was very pleased with his accomplishment. We will see how this all goes. I probably am getting my hopes up for nothing but it would be A-Mazing if Noah was potty trained before Rebekah came and doubled the diapers. He had been using the toilet every once in a while all week now. And is even in pull up diapers now. He lets us know after he pees and sometimes he does before. That's when we get him to the toilet in time.

Sean is doing really well in his classes and loves learning. He likes to tell me about it all and it's fun. He is working out almost every day now and it is paying off. His biceps are getting big. I like :) haha.

After our nap one Sunday after church.

Noah loves helping Grandma with outside chores. Especially with his little man rake.

We are lazy in the mornings and kind of lounge around for the first 15 to 30 minutes.

Cortney and Noah love playing together :)

Sean's Dad Mitch came and stayed with us for two nights so he could be there for Seth's Farewell talk. Noah had a lot
of fun playing with his Grandpa.

Noah loves clocks! He calls watches clocks too. So we decided as a treat to him we would
take him to walmart and let him pick out his own little "clock" We thought he would like the
little kid ones with fun characters on them. We were wrong. First thing when we brought him to the
watch section that was the one he grabbed. We showed him the other ones and he was not even slightly interested.
Turned out that grown up watch was only $5 and the kid ones were around $10 or $12. He carries it around and plays with it a lot. So adorable.

Kind of fun fact. I still fit into non pregnancy clothes. Those pants I'm wearing are my brother in law's. Seth leaves for his mission this week so he gave a bunch of his clothes to Sean. I was wearing a dress at their house on Easter and wanted to change into pants so I tried on his and they fit!! . . . Well kind of. haha I had to use a rubber band to keep the button kind of closed. But they will fit me better when I'm not all preggie. Pretty cool they fit otherwise.

Losing the baby weight! and Baby Noah is growing!

As someone who as just always been skinny without working out I was a little nervous about losing the post pregnancy weight. I am not a fan of  a real work out plan and I don't do diets. I would like it if I could work out but I just lose interest. I can do sit ups like no ones business but that and walking are the only work outs I can do without going nuts. I eat pretty healthy for the most part but no way am I going to cut the occasional hamburger and chips out of my eating habits. I like good food and I have a hard time thinking of not eating them. I know what great motivation right? haha But such is life. The idea of having to work out every day to keep a good figure is just daunting. So the only solution I could come up with was this: I sure hope I just lose the weight from breastfeeding and the fact that its so hot in AZ I'll sweat it off. lol. Well great news! This plan seems to be working!! (I'm so very happy about that because if it actually came down to me being chubby or working out I was going to have to chose working out because I dont want to have to go buy a whole new wardrobe to accommodate. I just wasn't going to be happy about it.) I'm 10lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight and pretty happy about it. I'm not sure if I'll get to the weight I once was due to the hips and other parts that I'm almost positive wont be getting any smaller. Oh well I feel good and that's what should matter in the end. I just want a flatter belly so I guess I will start doing sit ups to accomplish that.

While I am losing weight Noah is just growing and growing!! He is such a cutie. We haven't weighted him yet but I measured him and he is some where in between 23 and 24 inches long. He moves a lot so its hard to tell. Now time for more pictures of our little man :)

 Bath time with Cousin Cortney! 

 She wanted to help wash him. It was so sweet. 

 He is dressed up today as a baseball player. So fun. 

See how long he is!!! And he is getting the baby chubb-ness. That means he will be going though a growth spurt soon. Thats what Sean and his mom say anyway. They said that thats how the Howell boys are. The get chubby and then they get tall. 

 He just loves sitting on his daddy. 

 This was just precious how tightly he was curled up on Daddy. Loves loves loves.