Whats Up

We were hoping Sean would get a raise big enough to make sure we could afford to have me stay home with the kids. Turns out his work wasn't in on our plan. Lame day. The raise they gave him wasn't enough and we are about $200 short of what we need to be making for me to stay home after my maternity leave is up. We are trying to figure out what we can do to off set that. I am a Licensed Massage Therapist. I can do massages to make the money we need but I need it to be a steady income. I thought of an awesome idea! I will do a discount for clients that are on a schedule. So if they get massaged every week it will be $25 for an hour massage, Bi weekly will be $30 and no schedule will be the usual price of $40. If they skip a massage in there schedule the next massage will be the regular price and then one after that will be there schedule price again. I told it to Sean and my family and they all think its a good idea. Now I just need to get at least 4 clients on a schedule to be making enough. Easier said than done but Prayers that it works out!

In other news Scott, Sean's moms boyfriend, went through the temple to receive his endowments. Sean was unable to go due to work but I was able to make it. Thanks to my parents for watching my babies :) It was a great night and I'm happy I was able to attend. I love going to the temple. Noah and Rebekah are getting cuter and cuter every day! Noah likes to check up on Bekah while she sleeps and he has asked to hold her a couple times now. Rebekah is such a sweet baby. She makes little girly grunts and smiles. She has been staying awake more during the day the last few days now. Its quite nice to be able to play with her more and see her beautiful eyes looking at us while we talk to her. Noah tells us she is cute and he loves her. He also has been telling other family members that he loves them. Its so sweet! Being a parent is the best!

This morning Sean had work off, he worked the evening shift, so we went swimming with the kids. It was such a fun morning. Noah has a floatie so he is much more confidant in the pool. He actually learned how to move his body and move in the pool. Its not quite swimming yet but he gets from one point to the other. Granted those points are pretty close together haha. Bekah even enjoyed being in the water too! She just laid in our arms and looked content. We were out for about an hour and of course as always I burned, Noah and Sean tanned and Bekah just stayed the same pretty brown/tan complexion she has. Lucky kids got there daddys side of the genes for skin. 

I've lost some more weight. I have 4 pounds to go! I get to start to work out now too. Its only been about 4 weeks since I had Bekah but I think if I start out slow I can be ok working out now. I just plan on doing the treadmill for now and waiting a couple more weeks to do any ab work outs. I just want my tummy toned and my arms. I know I'm just going to get pregnant again in a year but I want to be healthy so its worth it to get skinny again just for a year haha. 

Sean should find out soon if his work counts as experience in social work for his application for his Masters Program. We really hope it does! Then he would have 8 years to put on his application. That would be wonderful. Fingers crossed! He is doing pretty good. He is loving having a little girl and seeing how cute Noah is. We are such blessed parents. He hasn't been going to the gym much since Bekah was born though and he really misses it. He just started going again last night. I hope he keeps it up. He loves working out and he is happiest when he is. I think its a good release for him. Also it makes him feel good about him self and makes him more aware of what he is eating and drinking during the day. He forgets to eat and drink water when he isn't working out unless I remind him and I don't always remember to remind him. Silly guy. But I love him! 

Bekah was having issues with sleeping during the night. We know she is a newborn so she wont be sleeping through the night til she is 3 months old (knock on wood). Even then it will only be 6 hours. Right now she eats every 3 or 4 hours. She was doing good at sleeping at night and then she got confused. She was waking up at 1 or 3am and then not wanting to go back to sleep. She just wanted to play. We however dont want to play at that time. Last night my dad suggested we keep her warmer at night and that she would sleep more. He was right! I put the thermostat at 80 and she only woke up to eat and went right back to sleep. Me and the babies were so happy with it but Sean was dying of heat. I sleep with a sheet at 80 and a blanket at anything below. Sean however likes it at 74. I dont know why I didn't think to just put her in warmer clothes haha. Previously we had been putting her to bed in a onesie and a blanket but she would kick the blanket off. Tonight I have her in a sleeping dress with long sleeves and she seems to be quite comfortable and sleeping perfectly. I am hoping and praying she continues this all night. 

My sister Robyn got an app on her Kindle so now she can text me! She doesnt have a cell phone so I have missed talking with her since she moved forever ago. Its nice being able to have conversations all day now like I do with the rest of my family. I just love them :) 

hmm lets see what else is going on. . . oh ya. Sad news. My great Uncle Neal is now living in a rest home. He is my grandma Nellies brother. She is the one whose husband died the day my Bekah was born. Its been a tough month for her and my mom and Neal. He fell a couple days ago and hit his head. He had to go to the hospital and get 10 staples in his head. He has dementia and it got worse during his hospital stay. He was living with my grandma but is now like I said in the home. Its sad but also a good thing because now he will get the care he needs. My grandma is unable to give him the attention and care that is require due to his dementia. Also he doesn't eat right if at all and he has heart issues. I'm happy he will be well taken care of. Its so sad that his health is so bad. Now my grandma is so stressed that her husband is gone and her brother has moved out. My parents are thinking of moving her in with them. She has a house but they are talking about renting it to Sean and I. We will see if that ends up happening or not. Our lease is up in November and it would take that time anyway for them to move things around my parents house to make room for her to move in. Also they will need to clean and sell a lot of my grandmas stuff out of her house. She is a pack rat and has a lot of things she doesn't need. She wants Andrea and I to help her sell it on Craigslist. In any case we are moving in November to some where. I cant handle living on a 3rd story with two kids. Its so hard to pack them down everytime I want to leave. I always fear I am going to drop Bekah or not hold Noah tight enough as he walks down and he will trip and fall. He is still getting the hang of walking down them. Its a tough feat for a small child. I love our apartment and the complex other than the stair issue. But its a big enough issue that I want to move. So does Sean. I can't wait! 

Well thats it for now. Its late and I should go to sleep while the kids are sleeping or I will be a zombie tomorrow. 

Crappy day at work

I had the crappiest day at work today! I pretty much kept back tears all day. I was actually pretty unsuccessful at it too since I went to the bathroom to cry twice. Why for the saddness? I will tell you.
I got to work this morning in a pretty good mood ready for the day.

Then my boss asked me to come talk with him for a minute in the conference room. He then told me that he was dissapointed in my work and that I left early yesterday (it was literally 10 minutes early) and didn't print emails. The thing is that he had said long ago that when we were done with our work and there wasn't anything to do that we could just go but still put our 8 hours on our time sheets because we shouldn't mess with our pay because we got our work done early. Also I try to get all the emails printed during the day but sometimes I get so busy with all the other million responsibilities that I have that I get behind. Then my co worker Toni comes and asks if she can help so she ends up printing emails for me sometimes. We both didnt think this was a big deal but apparently to my boss it is. I don't think he realizes how much work I do. I print and log emails (these are the invoices and transmitals for the checks to be printed from), do all the mailing for everyone in the office, log and mail out returned checks, log bank statements, mail out rent statements, and then I do all the capture checks (reviewing and mailing out more checks). It fills up my day and I have to work super fast to be sure to get it all done.

There is another girl in my departement that just has to do batching. That is a pretty large job but its just one responsibility compared to my like 5. She is really good at what she does and gets done pretty fast. So when she is done she leaves early. There was a couple weeks that she came in way way later than I and my other co worker do and then still left at the same time as us. I don't think she ever got written up! I feel like there is a double standard and I don't understand it. When I get done early I am expected to go help her with her stuff. She doesn't expect me to but my boss does. I'm not upset with my co worker. . ok I'm a little bitter. But only because I feel like I am not appreciated. My boss talks about how great she is doing but never really says if I am doing good. I think my co worker is an awesome girl and we get along great I just wish I knew why there was this double standard going on.

 I do realize that I have been slacking at work in some areas but not so much that I think I deserved him to write me up.  I miss Noah while I'm at work and if I have a chance to leave early I jump to take it. I am so annoyed at the amount of work I do and the little appreciation I get for it that I sometimes would slack on getting emails printed. I guess it is my fault. But there are a lot of factors that I don't think he is taking into account.

I sat there and nodded my head as he told me that I need to prioritize and do things right the first time. I was holding back tears as he talked. Then he had me sign the paper that pretty much said I sucked and ended the meeting. I then went to the bathroom and let the tears come. I called Sean and told him what happened and then cried more. (I'm on my period so I'm a little more emotional than usual) I got myself together enough to go back out and start working on getting checks in envelopes. I'm glad the machine is so loud because I'm pretty sure it drowned out my uneven breathing from trying very hard to not cry more. I hate being told I'm not doing a good job. I really try hard to do well in everything I do. Also I felt like a little kid being repremanded. I don't even know what that means for me with being written up. Is that going to mess with any raises or bonuses? Is it going on my mid year review? If he thinks I'm not doing better is he going to fire me? I can't lose this job. First off as hard as it is for me to be a working mom I am also so grateful for this job. I enjoy working with my co workers. I love the pay and the insurance. Also we can't survive with me not working. The hours are much better than any other job I could get. I don't want to lose my job. But also I feel so under appreciated sometimes I just wish there was a way for me to stay home. Now I don't know what to do. Should I talk to my boss and let him know my feelings on everything? Or do I just suck it up and do better and just continue to be bitter and annoyed about the double standard going on?

Wishful Thinking

Fact: I'm a working mom.

Another Fact: I would much rather be a stay at home mom.

 I am happy to help support our family while my hubby goes to school and gets the learning so he can make the big bucks someday. I just wish the someday was here already. I knew when we got married that this was going to be my role. I was fine with. I still am fine with it for the most part. Its a sacrifice we make so that we can have the things we need. You know like a place to live and food. I don't complain too much, thats what the hubs says anyway, but its pretty hard sometimes. I knew that in the beginning Noah would sleep most of the time I was away at work anyway. That's not true anymore. He only takes an hour nap 2 times while I'm away. Sometimes he takes his afternoon nap pretty late so its when I get home. That means I'm away for 8 hours while he is awake. I can potentially miss quite a lot in that time. I try not to think of it while I'm at work. Otherwise it makes my day pretty crumby. I say this as I'm typing out this post at work! Haha I know I don't listen to well to the advice from working moms about keeping work and home separate and putting 100% into each one when you are there. I'm more of a !00% when I'm home and 90% at work. Don't get me wrong I'm good at my job. My boss likes me and I get all of my work done sometimes I even end up doing other peoples work. I do spend some time texting my mom and Sean about what Noah is up to. Also I take the occasionally blogging break.  Like I said earlier, I am fine with working and I have no issue with mom's who work for the want, not the need. For me however, I don't want to be a working mom if it's not a necessity. Call me old fashioned and anti feminist but for me the women's place is at home with the family. GASP! Feminist all over the world just died a little inside thinking I set back women's rights a couple decades. So sue me. I think you can get a lot of fulfilment through being a mama at home. I would love to have the 50's back where it was uncommon for women to work and they mostly stayed at home with the kids and took care of the families needs. I was totally happy and willing to work before we had Noah. Now that I'm a mom though its hard. When our babies are big enough and in school I will definetly want to work or volunteer to keep myself busy and helpful. Right now thats where my mind is.  I could very well be the creepy head wife on that movie Stepford Wives. . . . ok Just Kidding! I'm not that extreme people!

I know lots of women like to work and are able to find a good balance with work and home. Well I just happen to not be one of those super women. I think its a huge task to find that balance. I've been a working mom for a year now and still haven't found it. Trust me I'm trying!!

I had a big talk with Sean last night and we decided I need to try harder to be ok with working. Not that I've been a crazy mess or anything but I can do better. I work 8 hours at my full time job and then after work I tend to do 3 or 4 massages during the week. Most days I really am fine with working. I make the best out of the time I have with Noah and Sean. Most of the massages I do I try to schedule for when Sean will be home to watch Noah or when he will be sleeping anyway. Its about quality time not quantity of time spent. Some days however are just harder than others. I will have a bad day at work and then that just makes me resent having to be here and not at home. Also when I find myself enjoying work I feel guilty. Like I shouldn't want to be here, I should be miserable because I'm not with my Noah and I could be missing something great. This thought process isn't healthy. Either way I feel bad. It has to change.

How is that going to happen? I have no clue!

I guess its just all mental. I just have to reassure myself that I'm doing whats best for my family right now. Also I know that Noah is being taken care of by my mom. He is in loving and capable hands. The reason this subject came up in the first place was because we were discussing the time line of baby #2. If its hard leaving one baby how much harder is it to leave two? I guess we will see. We made a decision of when we will start TTC for #2. We actually had made the decision of when it would be months ago but we just reconfirmed when that was. We prayed about it fervently and feel like its a good choice. Not telling when that is though. Sorry. Sean wants to keep that between just us. You will find out when I'm all preggie :) We know we aren't ready right now. We both have some things to work on before that happens. I for one need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to be a working mom of two. Also we have some budget things to work on. Sean needs to be sure he can continue to be awesome with school with one more cute baby distraction. Also Sean doesn't want me working either so its a issue with him too. He wants to feel more like he is providing for us. He really is though! School can be tough and its a huge sacrifice for him to do school full time and work part time. I really appreciate him doing that.

Baby time is in the foreseeable future though. We don't want too big of a gap between our babies. Sean still has 3 years of school left. Then when he graduates and gets a good full time job I shall retire my working mom status. Til then I just need to be happy with our situation and make the best of it. Advice on anything about working momness is totally welcomed for any moms out there.

Something that does make it easier for Sean and I to be happier with me working is to think of the other option. I could be a stay at home mom right now. The down side to that would be: Sean would have to do either:  A) work full time and go to school part time, making him be in school even longer and barely making enough to support our family. We would be even more poor than we are now and it would be a huge financial struggle  B) go to school full time, work part time and we live off student loans. Which would come back to bite us in the future when we have a crazy hard time paying them back. Also the amount he gets wouldn't change til after a year of my income going away.   The issue with both of those scenarios is the subject of medical insurance. My work offers great plans at a low cost. If we were to get it on our own it would be through the roof.

P.S. Just to be clear: I hope I didn't sound all ungrateful or whiny in this post. I am so happy I have a good, well paying job. I really am ok with working most of the time. (the medical benefits boost that up as well) I do like my job and my co workers. So its a good environment. Sean and I both would prefer the stay at home mama business though.

Quick update whilst I'm at work and probably should be working.

I'm on a Do It Yourself Kick lately. I have been reading up on all sorts of recipes for things that I buy often from the store that turns out I can make myself. Tomorrow I am having a party with my sister Andrea with some friends and we are going to make our own laundry soap, dishwasher  soap and face wash. Yay! :) It will be great. I'm going to experiment with making my own bar soap for the shower and possibly liquid soap for the sink. I saw some recipes for shampoo but I'm a hair snob so I doubt that will be on the list for me to ever try. haha. I'll post more about each product later this week. Just wanted to let eveyone know what I have been up to. Sean is doing great with school. He is currently getting all A's. My smart husband. I'm proud of him. Noah is loving his bath times. He sits up all by himself in the tub now. Of course I watch him and keep my hands close to keep him from falling. After I wash him I just let him sit there for a couple minutes and splash the water. He has so much fun with it.

Oh and in other news. I got a raise at work today :) Yay! It will help with the insurance cost that has been raised and still have some left over for savings. Wahoo! Also I got a sizable bonus as well. Its a good day.

Mommy goes back to work

The time I had dreaded has come. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't know it was going to be as hard as it has been. That's right folks, I have gone back to work :'( I had grown accustomed to the time spent at home all day with my Noah bug. Going back to work was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. I know that its what needs to happen for our family but it doesn't make it any easier to leave my baby for others to watch during the day. I just love my baby so much it feels like the biggest sacrifice I could be asked to make. I know that it is a good sacrifice seeing as how he requires a place to live, food (it won't always be free soon he will want more than just breast milk), clothes and such things as that. Sean is going to school full time so that he will get done faster and be able to get a well paying job to support us. As I see it we are sharing the responsibility of providing for our family. He is still working on Saturdays and he is going to school which counts as providing because it is the precursor to having a good job. And I am providing by going to work full time and bringing home the bulk of our income so we can afford the necessities of life. I just wish there was a way that we could still afford the things we need but have me be home. I am very grateful for my job still. I sometimes get off early and get to spend extra time with my baby guy and Sean. I love the people I work with and enjoy spending time with them. For the situation I have to be in at least it is good conditions.

My first day back at work was Tuesday the 20th. I woke up at 6am, fed Noah, pumped milk for him, got dressed and got my lunch prepared. Then I spent some time with Noah before it was time for me to leave. I was ok while I was getting things ready but when the time came that I had to say goodbye to my little Noah I broke down. I didn't want to leave him knowing I was going to be away from him for 9 hours. That was the longest I had been gone from him. Let me tell you that day was the longest of my life! I missed everything about being home with Noah. I missed his smell, his little coos as he just wakes up from his naps, his babble baby talk, even his little cries as he tells me what he wants, I missed being able to feed him instead of having a machine attached to me storing the milk for later, I missed the funny faces he makes at me while I talk to him, I missed reading him stories. My day was just not what I wanted it to be because I wasn't where I wanted to be. I know that he mostly just sleeps the day away but even that is precious. It hurts knowing that he will grow more and be awake more during the day and I'm going to miss all those moments and memories due to being at work. I am happy that my mom will be watching him. That is one of the few comforts. He will be with someone I trust. Also Sean will be with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays for most of the day as well. I have had 4 days back at work so far. It turns out people lied to me.

It hasn't gotten any easier to leave him!    

I don't think it will ever get any easier to leave him. I sure hope I at least won't cry everyday like I have been though. My favorite part of the day is when I get home and get to hold Noah for the next hours as he sleeps on me. Sean is the best partner I could ever ask for. And he is just that, a partner. He helps me in everything and I help him. We take turns with diapers, cleaning up, holding Noah, staying up with him when he just wants to be held and anything else you can think of. Having Noah in our lives has strengthened our marriage so much! Its great seeing each other with Noah and seeing the love that we show. Sean has been a huge support to me with me having to go back to work. He is a constant reassurance that we both are doing what is best for our family. Noah is lucky to have such a wonderful family and we are lucky to have him. 

Noah updates: He has his 2 month old dr appointment this coming Thursday. He is just growing more and more everyday. He is just a tiny little baby but still we notice the growth. He is just so tall! He is interacting more with us lately. He smiles when we read to him. His favorite book is Cat in the Hat. True story. When we read other books he responds a little to our voice but when we read Cat in the Hat he starts kicking his little baby legs out of excitement, moving his arms about, staring at our face and just showing all signs of happiness. Two of the times Sean read to Noah he pooped himself out of excitement! Noah can sit propped up all by himself. He doesn't need to be held up or anything. We have such a strong baby man! He holds his head up all by himself as well. His gas isn't as bad anymore, he is pooping regularly, he is sleeping through the night in increments of 3 to 6 hours of course and pretty much being a very happy fat baby, as Sean likes to call him. To end I will post some pictures. You can never have too many baby pictures :)

 Noah and Isabelle Burnham. Aren't they a cute couple?

 Noah and his Uncle Tim (Adriana's husband) 

 Noah was doing tummy time and Cousin Cortney decided to join him. 

 Reading time with Mommy. See how interested in the book he is!

Conference Weekend! and Working Mama

Conference was this past weekend and it was glorious! I always look forward to conference and the talks I know are going to feel like they were written just for me. I'm sure a lot of people feel the same. As if God helped the speaker know what to say just to help me out with the trials, situations, and decisions I personally have going on in my life. I know that our Heavenly Father has all of us each individually in mind as He inspires and prompts the chosen speakers in writing their talks. Its amazing how each person can take something different from one talk that will help them. Even one little line from a talk can be helpful in many different ways for each individual. I just love the Gospel and the love our Heavenly Father and His chosen leaders have for all of us! Sean and I and Andrea went to Elizabeth's house (Mama Howell) to watch the conference session on Saturday. Seth, Jimmy, Ondalynn and Elizabeth were all there as well and one of Onda's friends joined us for the morning session. We were provided with a delicious waffle, bacon, egg and potato breakfast which made our tummies very happy. This year there seemed to be a theme of paying attention to children and being like a child in a lot of the talks. Also I noticed a strong theme about the welfare program the Church has. Makes sense seeing that it is the 75 anniversary of the program this year. If you would like to listen or read any of the talks given here is the link  April 2011 General Conference 

I really enjoyed Elder Quentin L. Cook's talk. He talked about the importance of women in the Church and the role they have in families. The part that seemed like it was just for me was when he mentioned working mothers and stay at home mothers. He said that it was good to stay at home but also that we can't judge others because there are other situations that don't permit that. This isn't at all a direct quote. The text of the talk isn't available until Thursday. When it is I will be reading it again. It stuck out to me because I have been struggling with the idea of going back to work after my maternity leave is up. Sean and I have prayed about it and we both know that it is what we need to do so that he can go to school full time and get done sooner. Even so, its really difficult for me to think about leaving my baby for 8 hours a day Monday- Friday. I know that he will be safe and well taken care of by my mom while I am at work but still its not something I am looking forward to. In fact I feel guilty knowing that I will be at work while I really want more than anything to be home taking care of him but that due to lack of money I have to work. ***Sigh*** Alas it is what needs to happen at least for now, so that is the decision we have come to. I will work full time while Sean works part time and goes to school full time. My work schedule isn't as bad as some working mom's though so that I am very grateful for. I never work weekends and I tend to get off early most days. I just have to keep telling myself it won't be that bad and its only for a couple years at the most. Maybe we can figure something out so that I can be a stay at home mama sooner like Sean and I both want. We will see.

Sunday we watched conference with my family at my parents house. It was more loud there and therefore a bit harder to pay attention as intently as we did on Saturday. Tonight for FHE we are going to watch the talks we missed due to a rambunctious group, haha. One of the cute-est things ever happened last night. Cortney (my 15 month old niece) put her hand on my belly and felt Noah kick. It scared her so she didn't like it the first time. Amanda (her mom) kept pointing to my belly and saying "Noah is in there, your cousin Noah is in Auntie Deana's belly" And my mom and dad kept feeling Noah kick. He was very active that day. So then Cortney would poke my belly and say "Hi" very excitedly and then laugh. She was so adorable. She even would pull my shirt up throughout the night and kiss me belly and say "Noah". I loved it! She is already such a sweet older cousin. So that was our weekend. Full of learning and family fun. We are planning a girls night and a boys night for Friday. More details on that to come.

Half Way Done!!!

This whole week was a blast! First of all this week just seemed to fly by. I think it has to do with the fact that Sean was on spring break so we got to spend more time together and I got off of work early everyday this week. The best part is, when I leave early due to getting my work done early I still get paid full day. So I got paid to spend time with Sean. I just have to say I LOVE MY JOB!! They treat me so well. I also found out this week that I get a bonus for doing a good job last year. My boss said he isn't sure yet how much it will be but when he is told he will let me know. I get it next month sometime.

Yesterday I got a hair cut! Yes another one. Haha I just love the change. My boss walked by me today and said "did you do your hair again? You change your hair more often than anyone I know" I love hair change time because that means I get to go see Andraya. She is one of my favorite people. We have this awesome deal set up that we just trade our skills. She gets massages whenever she wants and I get my hair done whenever I want. So I end up getting it done once every 2 or 3 months. I got it realllly short this time! Like really short!! I love it though. I am happy to admit it is such a mom cut. Its so easy to style (meaning I wake up and brush it then I'm done lol) 

The back is my favorite

Sean is just so darn handsome!

Today marks the half way point in my pregnancy. I am 20 weeks today. Noah shall be making his grand entrance into this world in t-minus 20 weeks give or take a couple weeks. Sean and I can't wait to meet our little guy.

20 Weeks!!!!

 After getting off at 1:30pm on today I met a friend to pick up some more clothing for Noah. She had gotten it from some other people when she found out she was expecting but she is having a girl so she gave me some of the boy stuff. They are way cute too! Then I came home to a very clean house. Andrea and Sean cleaned up the living room and kitchen. Those two rooms seem to just get messy everyday! Its insane. But I'm so grateful for them pitching in and helping keep the house pretty. We are having some friends over for a potluck and games. I'm so excited!! They should all be here soon so I guess I should stop blogging and get back to real life so I have something to blog about later.