Thursday, December 19, 2013

My Graduate!

My honey graduated today with his bachelors in psychology. I'm so unbelievably proud of him. He went to school full time, worked full time and was a wonderful and active husband and father all at the same time for the past 3 years. Go him! I'm so grateful for the things he does to provide for our family and help enrich our lives. He is such a smartie pants and I love it. I learn new things from him everyday. I love you sweetie and happy graduation! Only two more years left til you're done with school!! 

"I did it too, I graduated"

Bekah wanted to graduate too

Glad Sean's dad was able to come from South Carolina for this day :)

Rebekah got bored during the ceremony 

Sean's mom got some awesome pictures on her fancy camera. I will post them when she sends them to me. Also the pictures of her and us in them. I failed to get pictures on my phone of her and the kid snd Sean :/ 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

My Children Make Me Smile

 My littles are just so so cute! I am in awe of their sweet spirits everyday. Rebekah is getting bigger and bigger and growing such a cute little miss priss personality. I love watching her and Noah interact and can't wait to see how things are when Rebekah is able to talk. She gets so excited to hear him talk to her. Noah is always telling her how much he loves her and asking her what she is doing. I love hearing him tell her he needs her to wake up so they can play. I thought I would just write a couple examples and stories of what they have been up to lately.

- Rebekah can sit up now on her own. She has done it a few times now and can stay sitting up for a few minutes at a time before tumbling over. Yesterday I think it was so much excitement because she was sitting up and then toppled over and spit up.

- Noah has this cute thing he does all day everyday which Sean and I absolutely adore. He will look at us and say "Are you love me?" and we of course reply "yes I do love you sweetheart" And then he says "you love me?! Very much?"  to which we say "yes we love you very very much honey" Then he gets all giggly.

-Rebekah giggles all the time and it cracks us up. She is such a happy baby

-Noah's communications skills are blossoming. I'm amazed at his vocabulary and understanding. He uses much bigger sentences than I would expect a 2 year old to use and understands thoughts as well as the normal requests and commands that other kids usually understand.

-Rebekah is basically a crawler. She was getting around all over the house by rolling herself to what she wanted. She started doing that at about 4 months. Now she actually gets up on her hands and kness and will either pull herself army crawl across the floor or she will push herself with her legs and scoot. She loves going after specific toys and coming to get us.

-Bekah loves feeding herself. She has eaten those little puff Cheetos baby things, cheerios, grapes, strawberries, whipped cream (she actually hated that), dark chocolate piece (loves bitter tasting things), and a tomato.

Hated whipped cream haha

-Noah can count to 12 all by himself, and can say his ABC's to the letter H .

-Noah has been trying to go potty but he forgets and tells me after he has gone most of the time. Work in progress still with the potty training.

-I'm still watching my friends daughter during the week and Noah loves it. He and Calli are best friends and its so sweet seeing how the play. They love to tickle each other, play games, hug and giggle.

-Noah enjoys seeing himself in the camera on my phone and asks to watch videos of himself and Bekah.

-Noah's favorite shows to watch lately have been Daniel Tiger (made by the Mr Rogers corp and is the place he used to go in his show), Curious George, Winnie the Pooh  and Sesame Street. 

-Rebekah is more interested in screens and tvs than an infant should be. haha. She is always trying to look at a screen if its near her. I don't like my kids watching tv until they are at least 1 and even then not too often so I try to not let her stare at it very often. She is so curious though.

-Noah knows some of his shapes and colors and loves to impress people by showing off.

-Rebekah is such a cuddle bug. She will curl right up in our arms and just stare up at us and grab our faces with her tiny little hands.

-Noah is learning how to pray and is so good at doing it with little help. He can say a variation of "Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this food, Thank you for this day, Thank you for mommy and daddy, Amen" I am so proud that he is able to pray and is interested.

-Noah can brush his teeth by himself for the most part but I still need to help him be sure to get all of his teeth.

-If Noah is in his room playing, Bekah will do crawl herself over to where he is so she can be in on whatever action is happening.

-Rebekah never wakes up upset or crying. Even when she is hungry. She just wakes up cooing and blowing raspberries. She is so happy.  

-The conversation of Daddy and Son.
Noah is sitting on the floor next to Sean. Sean looks at Noah and says "whew! Your bum is stinking!" Noah replies "I don't want you to smell my poopy pants any way."
S- Can I change your bum?
N- No I don't want you to change my poopy bum right now.
S-Can mommy change your bum?
N- No mommy can't change my bum right now
S-Can a rubber duckie change your bum right now?
N-No I don't want a duckie to change my bum
S- Can you change your bum?
N- Ya I will change my bum.

-When Bekah is napping on my bed Noah will go in and check on her to see if she is ok. When he goes in to check on her and she has woken up he gets so excited to see her and asks "are you awake now Bekah? Youre awake now! Good job! Lets play now. You and me can play since you are awake now"

-Noah really enjoys making and eating smoothies. I got a new blender a month ago when it was on sale at Costco. The Ninja is an amazing blender! Noah will pick out fruits and tell me what to put in our smoothie for the day. Then I get all the ingredients and Noah throws them in the blender and pushes the buttons. Its so fun. He is such a good helper in the kitchen.

-Rebekah loves blowing raspberries. She is so funny! She is always making some noise and sounds. She makes little cooing, grunting and yelping sounds.   

-My littles love the Christmas tree. Noah calls the decorations "Christmas". Rebekah crawls towards the tree tries to pull everything off.

-Action shots of Noah picking up Rebekah and putting her in his lap for "cuddles time" (his words). First he flings her too far to his side then pulls her into his lap. Haha. I love that he loves her so much and tries to be gentle. Her favorite thing to do is stare at and laugh with him. 

-Noah loves when daddy reads him stories at night. His current favs are: chicken licken, if you gve a mouse a cookie, if you give a moose a muffin. 

-Rebekah has finally started to really enjoy bath time. She has a fun time splashing around and likes the water to be poured on her belly. 

-Noah likes to help with Bekah in anyway I will let him. He especially likes to help feed her. 

-Rebekah moves a lot in her sleep 

-Noah likes to help out with chores and is still our little cleaner. He loves helping with dishes and taking out the trash. 

-they both love the swing set! 

We are so blessed to be parents to our little ones. Sean and I keep trying to be better parents and have more patience and pray to know what things we need to do to help lead and guide them. I love you Noah and Rebekah. Thank you for being mine. 

Monday, November 4, 2013

I'm not a failure

I have to keep reminding myself of that. Also Sean has to keep telling me that. Its hard but it will sink in for good I hope. And hopefully I will start to believe it. 

I've had anxiety my whole life. I'm usually pretty good at hiding it. I didn't even realize how bad it actually was until just recently. But thinking back on my youth I remember many times that my anxiety kept me from doing things and how horrible I would feel. I never really talked about it to my family because I had fear of being made fun of or told I was exaggerating and to get over it. So instead of talking about it I just tried to ignore it. That of course never helps anyone. Now having PPD it intensifies the anxiety and also my self loathing. 

I feel like such a baby even writing this. And I'm terrified I'm going to have people think I'm just complaining or seeking attention or making a big deal out of nothing or any number of things people might think that diminishes my feelings. I guess no matter how loud/outgoing/friendly/silly I am it doesn't take away from my insecurities. I never think I'm good enough or worthy of anyone really caring about. I get really embarrassed and start feeling guilty when someone admires me or gives me any kind of praise. I start thinking "ok now I can't agree or else I'm being prideful. I'm not even very good anyway. It's just fake. There are so many horrible things about me" Anything to make myself not feel good about myself. I know it doesn't make sense but Thays just my head. I love my husband and children so much. I know I a. So blessed to have them. I sometimes feel like I am undeserving of them and how great and sweet they are. Then thinking that I feel pathetic and that they deserve a better mother/wife. Nothing about my thoughts make sense and that annoys me. Basically having depression sucks. 

Sometimes I'm just fine. I can be in the moment and just enjoy my family and life. Others it's not so great and it takes everything in me to not break down in tears. I feel so guilty. I hate that I feel the way I do. I also am so scared that Rebekah will learn of my postpartum depression and somehow feel responsible. I didn't have it after Noah but I do now after having Rebekah. Its not anyone's fault though. Its just what happened. I just wish I could control it. I'm so lucky to have two friends that have gone through and are going through depression as well so I can connect with them and we can work on things together. Melissa and Emily are so supportive and we help each other. My sister Andrea is so supportive too.  Its nice having someone who knows exactly what I'm going though. Sean is such a strength to me as well. He loves me unconditionally even when I'm a burden. I'm truly blessed to have his love. Thinking about having someone who understands me and loves me makes me think of my Savior. Jesus Christ died for me and knows me and my trials. He knows what its like to be depressed, to feel alone even when you are surrounded by people. I know I can let my burdens down at his feet. This is such a comforting thought. I know I can't just wish my depression away but I can pray through it. You would think that having supportive friends and the knowledge of the Gospel would make the depression obsolete but it doesn't. It kinda drives me crazy. I don't know what its going to take to make it go away but I do know i can lean on my friends and family and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ thorough it. My family is slowly starting to be more supportive and understanding too. Its a hard thing to understand. 

One thing that the depression has really affected is me nursing Bekah. 
And just writing that sentence brought me to tears. It sucks to say the least. I talked to my doctor and he said its common for depression to lower the milk supply and even dry it up sometimes. Not nursing makes me feel like a failure. Breastfeeding was/is so important to me. I loved my experience with nursing Noah. It was hard and had its ups and downs but it was such a great bonding experience and I know its what was best. Now I feel yet again guilty that I don't get to have that with Rebekah. I love her with all my heart and I know that by the way she lights up when she looks at me that she loves me too. I just have to find other ways to bond with her since we don't get that with the nursing. I have a dear friend , Adrianna would gave me some breastmilk so I have been supplementing with that and formula. I basically only breastfeed first thing in the morning now. I hate that I'm not exclusively breastfeeding but my baby is being fed and she is loved and cared for.  I am trying my hardest I really am. It's just so so hard some times. "I can do hard things" I keep telling myself that. 

Heavenly Father gave me these children. I married the man I love more than anything in the world in the wholly temple. I made covenants with him and Heavenly Father. I live by those covenants. I am worthy of blessings. My Father in Heaven wouldn't have blessed me with this family if he didn't think I could do it. Now I just have to keep pushing on and let Him help me do it. 

Elder Holland talked about depression in general conference and I felt like it was an answer or my prayers. 

"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”4Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherishpriesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.5"

You can read it here:

My kids are cute

They are growing so much and I love it but also want it to slow down! 

**He sings so much. He knows most of the words to a lot of songs now. Sean and I just get so excited for his songs. So far he knows , twinkle twinkle, I like to eat apples and bananas, teach me to walk in the light , oh dear what can the matter be, head shoulders knees and toes, popcorn popping. 

**He is so interested with holding Rebekah now. He asks at least two or three times a day to hold his Bekah. He gives her kisses and hugs all day. And occasionally tries to sit on her haha. 

** He likes to help feed Rebekah 

**He is such a gentle soul. He tells Daddy and I "good job" after almost ever thing we do for him. 

** Still working on potty training. He occasionally likes to wear big boy underwear and will sometimes make it to the potty. Its a slow work in progress but no rush. 

** He likes to ask "are you an alligator?" And then laugh when we say no and then asks if we are another animal/random object 

** He asks ransoms questions all day. 

**He loves to be tickled and to tickle Rebekah 

**He will frequently ask me for massages. He especially loves his back and feet rubbed 

**Favorite food is still Roni's (pasta) and chicken anything with ranch on everything 


**She smiles alllll the time. Seriously she is just a happy happy happy baby

**She has the cutest baby babble. We love hearing squeal and chatter

**She blows raspberries at daddy. 

**She likes to watch Noah play and gets super excited when he talks to her 

**She can hold her own bottle 

**She is getting ready for crawling. She can already roll and scooch herself to where she wants to be. Often we will put her in the middle of the room and then she ends up to the side under the swing haha. 

**She really enjoys her morning lotion and massage. She gets smiley and coos. 

**She hates bath time and screams Everytime 

Sean and I are so blessed to have such beautiful sweet children. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY! (Halloween 2013)

I love Halloween! I don't care how old I get I will always love dressing up and seeing all the creativity involved in getting costumes and home decor done. This year was especially fun because it was the first year Sean was able to celebrate with us. The past years he had to work so he either didn't get to come to the party or was really really late and missed most of the fun anyway. Noah was old enough to really enjoy it too! Just today he asked Uncle Davey to take him for candy again and said "trick or treat" as they went for a walk haha. 

Our costumes were of course matching. The best kind of costumes for a family. Rebekah was a lion, I was a tiger, Noah was the bear and Sean was "Oh My!" Clever right? I was so happy when I went to Goodwill one day in the beginning of October to find costumes and I found all three animal costumes for less than $5 each. For Seans I just got a white t shirt and used puffy paint to write "oh my" and then Noah wanted to put his hand print on it so I did his and Bekah's. 

Wednesday night we went to my parents wards trunk or treat. My two sisters that live here and my brother went as well. It was fun to spend the night with family and get lots of candy for the kiddos. Noah and Cortney have fun playing together. 

Then on Halloween night we went to our wards trunk or treat party. That was super fun too. They even had a little haunted house made out of large cardboard boxes. Noah had fun feeling the "brains, guts and eyes" He knew right away that the guts were actually "ronies". Smart kid. Sean really enjoyed seeing Noah light up the first time someone handed him candy just for saying "trick or treat". Both kids looked absolutely adorable in their costumes. 

Andrea was a Crayola Crayon 

My ever adorable parents 

Amanda, Corey, Cortney, Joshua. Nightmare before christmas

Noah being the super cute big brother and sharing his candy with Rebekah. He kept saying "this one is yummy. I love candy" 

The next day Noah had to wear her teddy bear again. He kept asking "I need my teddy bear"