Monday, November 4, 2013

I'm not a failure

I have to keep reminding myself of that. Also Sean has to keep telling me that. Its hard but it will sink in for good I hope. And hopefully I will start to believe it. 

I've had anxiety my whole life. I'm usually pretty good at hiding it. I didn't even realize how bad it actually was until just recently. But thinking back on my youth I remember many times that my anxiety kept me from doing things and how horrible I would feel. I never really talked about it to my family because I had fear of being made fun of or told I was exaggerating and to get over it. So instead of talking about it I just tried to ignore it. That of course never helps anyone. Now having PPD it intensifies the anxiety and also my self loathing. 

I feel like such a baby even writing this. And I'm terrified I'm going to have people think I'm just complaining or seeking attention or making a big deal out of nothing or any number of things people might think that diminishes my feelings. I guess no matter how loud/outgoing/friendly/silly I am it doesn't take away from my insecurities. I never think I'm good enough or worthy of anyone really caring about. I get really embarrassed and start feeling guilty when someone admires me or gives me any kind of praise. I start thinking "ok now I can't agree or else I'm being prideful. I'm not even very good anyway. It's just fake. There are so many horrible things about me" Anything to make myself not feel good about myself. I know it doesn't make sense but Thays just my head. I love my husband and children so much. I know I a. So blessed to have them. I sometimes feel like I am undeserving of them and how great and sweet they are. Then thinking that I feel pathetic and that they deserve a better mother/wife. Nothing about my thoughts make sense and that annoys me. Basically having depression sucks. 

Sometimes I'm just fine. I can be in the moment and just enjoy my family and life. Others it's not so great and it takes everything in me to not break down in tears. I feel so guilty. I hate that I feel the way I do. I also am so scared that Rebekah will learn of my postpartum depression and somehow feel responsible. I didn't have it after Noah but I do now after having Rebekah. Its not anyone's fault though. Its just what happened. I just wish I could control it. I'm so lucky to have two friends that have gone through and are going through depression as well so I can connect with them and we can work on things together. Melissa and Emily are so supportive and we help each other. My sister Andrea is so supportive too.  Its nice having someone who knows exactly what I'm going though. Sean is such a strength to me as well. He loves me unconditionally even when I'm a burden. I'm truly blessed to have his love. Thinking about having someone who understands me and loves me makes me think of my Savior. Jesus Christ died for me and knows me and my trials. He knows what its like to be depressed, to feel alone even when you are surrounded by people. I know I can let my burdens down at his feet. This is such a comforting thought. I know I can't just wish my depression away but I can pray through it. You would think that having supportive friends and the knowledge of the Gospel would make the depression obsolete but it doesn't. It kinda drives me crazy. I don't know what its going to take to make it go away but I do know i can lean on my friends and family and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ thorough it. My family is slowly starting to be more supportive and understanding too. Its a hard thing to understand. 

One thing that the depression has really affected is me nursing Bekah. 
And just writing that sentence brought me to tears. It sucks to say the least. I talked to my doctor and he said its common for depression to lower the milk supply and even dry it up sometimes. Not nursing makes me feel like a failure. Breastfeeding was/is so important to me. I loved my experience with nursing Noah. It was hard and had its ups and downs but it was such a great bonding experience and I know its what was best. Now I feel yet again guilty that I don't get to have that with Rebekah. I love her with all my heart and I know that by the way she lights up when she looks at me that she loves me too. I just have to find other ways to bond with her since we don't get that with the nursing. I have a dear friend , Adrianna would gave me some breastmilk so I have been supplementing with that and formula. I basically only breastfeed first thing in the morning now. I hate that I'm not exclusively breastfeeding but my baby is being fed and she is loved and cared for.  I am trying my hardest I really am. It's just so so hard some times. "I can do hard things" I keep telling myself that. 

Heavenly Father gave me these children. I married the man I love more than anything in the world in the wholly temple. I made covenants with him and Heavenly Father. I live by those covenants. I am worthy of blessings. My Father in Heaven wouldn't have blessed me with this family if he didn't think I could do it. Now I just have to keep pushing on and let Him help me do it. 

Elder Holland talked about depression in general conference and I felt like it was an answer or my prayers. 

"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”4Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherishpriesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.5"

You can read it here:

My kids are cute

They are growing so much and I love it but also want it to slow down! 

**He sings so much. He knows most of the words to a lot of songs now. Sean and I just get so excited for his songs. So far he knows , twinkle twinkle, I like to eat apples and bananas, teach me to walk in the light , oh dear what can the matter be, head shoulders knees and toes, popcorn popping. 

**He is so interested with holding Rebekah now. He asks at least two or three times a day to hold his Bekah. He gives her kisses and hugs all day. And occasionally tries to sit on her haha. 

** He likes to help feed Rebekah 

**He is such a gentle soul. He tells Daddy and I "good job" after almost ever thing we do for him. 

** Still working on potty training. He occasionally likes to wear big boy underwear and will sometimes make it to the potty. Its a slow work in progress but no rush. 

** He likes to ask "are you an alligator?" And then laugh when we say no and then asks if we are another animal/random object 

** He asks ransoms questions all day. 

**He loves to be tickled and to tickle Rebekah 

**He will frequently ask me for massages. He especially loves his back and feet rubbed 

**Favorite food is still Roni's (pasta) and chicken anything with ranch on everything 


**She smiles alllll the time. Seriously she is just a happy happy happy baby

**She has the cutest baby babble. We love hearing squeal and chatter

**She blows raspberries at daddy. 

**She likes to watch Noah play and gets super excited when he talks to her 

**She can hold her own bottle 

**She is getting ready for crawling. She can already roll and scooch herself to where she wants to be. Often we will put her in the middle of the room and then she ends up to the side under the swing haha. 

**She really enjoys her morning lotion and massage. She gets smiley and coos. 

**She hates bath time and screams Everytime 

Sean and I are so blessed to have such beautiful sweet children. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY! (Halloween 2013)

I love Halloween! I don't care how old I get I will always love dressing up and seeing all the creativity involved in getting costumes and home decor done. This year was especially fun because it was the first year Sean was able to celebrate with us. The past years he had to work so he either didn't get to come to the party or was really really late and missed most of the fun anyway. Noah was old enough to really enjoy it too! Just today he asked Uncle Davey to take him for candy again and said "trick or treat" as they went for a walk haha. 

Our costumes were of course matching. The best kind of costumes for a family. Rebekah was a lion, I was a tiger, Noah was the bear and Sean was "Oh My!" Clever right? I was so happy when I went to Goodwill one day in the beginning of October to find costumes and I found all three animal costumes for less than $5 each. For Seans I just got a white t shirt and used puffy paint to write "oh my" and then Noah wanted to put his hand print on it so I did his and Bekah's. 

Wednesday night we went to my parents wards trunk or treat. My two sisters that live here and my brother went as well. It was fun to spend the night with family and get lots of candy for the kiddos. Noah and Cortney have fun playing together. 

Then on Halloween night we went to our wards trunk or treat party. That was super fun too. They even had a little haunted house made out of large cardboard boxes. Noah had fun feeling the "brains, guts and eyes" He knew right away that the guts were actually "ronies". Smart kid. Sean really enjoyed seeing Noah light up the first time someone handed him candy just for saying "trick or treat". Both kids looked absolutely adorable in their costumes. 

Andrea was a Crayola Crayon 

My ever adorable parents 

Amanda, Corey, Cortney, Joshua. Nightmare before christmas

Noah being the super cute big brother and sharing his candy with Rebekah. He kept saying "this one is yummy. I love candy" 

The next day Noah had to wear her teddy bear again. He kept asking "I need my teddy bear" 

Ridiculous Obstacle Challenge 5K Race

Yes thats right, I ran (ehemm rather speed walked/jogged/sprint) a 5k! With no training. I don't recommend the no training part though. Sean and I signed up to do it a couple months back with Andrea and then totally forgot about it. Then we got the email reminding us of it and found out Sean couldn't get the day off. Luckily my bff Melissa is awesome and took Seans place very last minute. Like the week before the run she commited to doing it with us. It was a blast!! I think this was the absolute best first 5k to participate in. There was enough challange without too much running haha. We all said we want to do it again next year and hopefully do better with the time. We did the whole thing in a little less than an hour. This was not like your typical 5k. It has awesome obsacles scattered every quarter mile or so. That being said I think an hour for 3.1 miles with crazy obsacles and lines is pretty good. But it would be awesome to go even faster next time. Another fun thing about this race was that you got to dress up for it! Many people had really thought out and detailed costumes. Ours weren't so thought out but very last minute and fun. Our team name was Colorful Clumsies. So we made tutus with pink green and purple. Melissa made hers the night before and Andrea and I made our an hour before haha. Thanks to the help of our very talented mama we got it done in less than an hour! (side note: after seeing how easy it is to make I definetly am going to be making Rebekah tons of them!) 

Andrea and I jammed out to some Billy Gilman music on the way to phoenix for the race. Let me tell ya that was nostalgic. We used to listen to him nonstop as kids. My sister is one of the few people that really get me :)  

We got to the race late but still started at the right time. We were supposed to be there an hour before our start time but as always Andrea and I were running late haha. We met Melissa there and sprinted to pick up our bibs. A little run before the big run. Again another not so bright idea but whatever. We are runner newbies so we are allowed a few mistakes right? Melissa was our "Jillian Michaels" and kept telling Andrea and I to go faster and to not stop. I kind of wanted to smother her but was also grateful for her support.  I'm not even very skinny but I guess I'm smaller than the american average. That being said -Being skinny does not mean you are in shape haha. The next time we do a 5k I am going to actually prepare for it because I am so so so very sore today. Melissa and Andrea are too! 

We got soaked on at least 3 obstacles and one of them had soapy suds we had to slide across haha. Running in wet shoes is hard peeps! 

Here is the list of obstacles they had there. It varies by what state the race is in but some of them, the giant slide for one, are at every race. 

Your obstacles will include:
World’s Largest Inflatable Slide
Wrecking Ball
The World’s Largest Moon Bounce
Belly Flop Drop
Tarzan Swing
Tight Rope Traverse
Get It Up (And Over)
Gorilla Bars
Aqua Drag
Tire Mile

It was a fun thing to do with two of my favorite people :) We didn't get any pictures while we were running the race because there were water obstacles, so we didn't have our phones with us. But we got some before and after pictures. 

If you have never run a 5k I'd highly recommend doing one. It feels so good to have accomplished something new.