Monday, November 4, 2013

I'm not a failure

I have to keep reminding myself of that. Also Sean has to keep telling me that. Its hard but it will sink in for good I hope. And hopefully I will start to believe it. 

I've had anxiety my whole life. I'm usually pretty good at hiding it. I didn't even realize how bad it actually was until just recently. But thinking back on my youth I remember many times that my anxiety kept me from doing things and how horrible I would feel. I never really talked about it to my family because I had fear of being made fun of or told I was exaggerating and to get over it. So instead of talking about it I just tried to ignore it. That of course never helps anyone. Now having PPD it intensifies the anxiety and also my self loathing. 

I feel like such a baby even writing this. And I'm terrified I'm going to have people think I'm just complaining or seeking attention or making a big deal out of nothing or any number of things people might think that diminishes my feelings. I guess no matter how loud/outgoing/friendly/silly I am it doesn't take away from my insecurities. I never think I'm good enough or worthy of anyone really caring about. I get really embarrassed and start feeling guilty when someone admires me or gives me any kind of praise. I start thinking "ok now I can't agree or else I'm being prideful. I'm not even very good anyway. It's just fake. There are so many horrible things about me" Anything to make myself not feel good about myself. I know it doesn't make sense but Thays just my head. I love my husband and children so much. I know I a. So blessed to have them. I sometimes feel like I am undeserving of them and how great and sweet they are. Then thinking that I feel pathetic and that they deserve a better mother/wife. Nothing about my thoughts make sense and that annoys me. Basically having depression sucks. 

Sometimes I'm just fine. I can be in the moment and just enjoy my family and life. Others it's not so great and it takes everything in me to not break down in tears. I feel so guilty. I hate that I feel the way I do. I also am so scared that Rebekah will learn of my postpartum depression and somehow feel responsible. I didn't have it after Noah but I do now after having Rebekah. Its not anyone's fault though. Its just what happened. I just wish I could control it. I'm so lucky to have two friends that have gone through and are going through depression as well so I can connect with them and we can work on things together. Melissa and Emily are so supportive and we help each other. My sister Andrea is so supportive too.  Its nice having someone who knows exactly what I'm going though. Sean is such a strength to me as well. He loves me unconditionally even when I'm a burden. I'm truly blessed to have his love. Thinking about having someone who understands me and loves me makes me think of my Savior. Jesus Christ died for me and knows me and my trials. He knows what its like to be depressed, to feel alone even when you are surrounded by people. I know I can let my burdens down at his feet. This is such a comforting thought. I know I can't just wish my depression away but I can pray through it. You would think that having supportive friends and the knowledge of the Gospel would make the depression obsolete but it doesn't. It kinda drives me crazy. I don't know what its going to take to make it go away but I do know i can lean on my friends and family and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ thorough it. My family is slowly starting to be more supportive and understanding too. Its a hard thing to understand. 

One thing that the depression has really affected is me nursing Bekah. 
And just writing that sentence brought me to tears. It sucks to say the least. I talked to my doctor and he said its common for depression to lower the milk supply and even dry it up sometimes. Not nursing makes me feel like a failure. Breastfeeding was/is so important to me. I loved my experience with nursing Noah. It was hard and had its ups and downs but it was such a great bonding experience and I know its what was best. Now I feel yet again guilty that I don't get to have that with Rebekah. I love her with all my heart and I know that by the way she lights up when she looks at me that she loves me too. I just have to find other ways to bond with her since we don't get that with the nursing. I have a dear friend , Adrianna would gave me some breastmilk so I have been supplementing with that and formula. I basically only breastfeed first thing in the morning now. I hate that I'm not exclusively breastfeeding but my baby is being fed and she is loved and cared for.  I am trying my hardest I really am. It's just so so hard some times. "I can do hard things" I keep telling myself that. 

Heavenly Father gave me these children. I married the man I love more than anything in the world in the wholly temple. I made covenants with him and Heavenly Father. I live by those covenants. I am worthy of blessings. My Father in Heaven wouldn't have blessed me with this family if he didn't think I could do it. Now I just have to keep pushing on and let Him help me do it. 

Elder Holland talked about depression in general conference and I felt like it was an answer or my prayers. 

"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”4Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherishpriesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.5"

You can read it here:


  1. I can relate to a lot of the things you said. I'm glad you family is beginning to be more understanding and that Sean is such a great support to you & your close friends who have experienced what you are. You are brave to write about this!

    1. Thanks Stacie. It wasn't easy to write or post. I almost deleted it after I posted it but its me and I want my children to know even the difficult ugly things in my life when they are older. That way they can maybe learn from it. Its good knowing others can relate. Makes me not feel so alone.


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