Tuesday, January 7, 2014


Still catching up with everything that has been going on with us. I really need to get better at keeping up to date with this blog and writing as things happen haha. One day I will, that day is not today.

Rebekah- She is a crawling pro now. I love watching her go for things and the gets there quickly and lunges for it. She is a girl who knows what she wants. She fights naps and going to sleep but as soon as she is out she is out for hours. She enjoys sleep, she just has to be reminded that she does. She doesn't cry very often which I am forever grateful for. When she does however it is very loud and distressful. She loves her Noah. She crawls after him and tries to pull herself up on time all the time. He isn't a fan haha. He will learn to love it. Rebekah knows her name now. She will turn and look when she hears Rebekah and Bekah. She loves her daddy. When Sean is in the room she is staring at him and trying to get him to speak to her. She loves his voice. She loves being tickled. Her feet are so ticklish. She has the funniest throat giggle gargle ever! I just love baby laughs. She snuggles mommy all day long. She is so good at pulling herself up into sitting position and will stay there for as long as she likes. I bet its fun seeing the world from a new point of view. She is eating baby food and real food now. Her favorites are guacamole (doesn't like just plain avocado),  mashed potato, yogurt, bitter tasting veggies, rice cereal mixed with any fruit baby food. She likes to be read to and will just sit in my lap and look at the pictures as I read.

My baby carrier I got for Christmas from Sean. I am in love with it!

Noah- Our little sweetheart. He is such a sensitive caring boy. He loves to cuddle, pick out his own clothes, help with whatever we are doing. He likes to help do the dishes, sweep the floor, make smoothies, change the laundry in the washer and dryer. His favorite activity is to play his guitar with daddy. They both boom it and sing songs. Noah is getting really good with his songs. He knows the words to a bunch of songs and loves to sing them. He has a smirk that will get him anything in life. Seriously women years down the line will fawn over him I know it. He just has such a sweet smile and he knows he is a cutie. He talks about people out of the blue at home. We will be playing with puzzles or another toy and he will just start talking about someone and something they said once. Examples: Carlos trying to pick him up or Emily driving a school bus (emily has never driven a school bus so no clue where this came from), or Robyn talking to him on the computer, or Amanda giving him something to eat, Grandma taking me for walks. Noah loves to pray. He holds his little hands and bows his head and just says whatever comes to his mind at the time. Little kids prayers are the sweetest. I like when they haven't gotten into the habitual sayings that we all get into sometimes. He prays for mommy to love me, and daddy to come home and play and bless the food, and Bekah to not push me. Its so funny and sweet. I like that he knows he is talking to Heavenly Father. At night when he wakes up and can't get back to sleep a prayer is sometimes the only thing that will calm him.  He is progressing with potty training. I still don't think he is fully ready yet. On Monday he was in 'britches' as he calls them, instead of a diaper for half the day. He went potty on the toilet 3 times but also on the floor 4 times. He is so close but I think he just doesn't know how to hold it yet which is important. He told me 3 times before we went potty that he needed to go and we rushed to the potty and he made it. The other times he didn't is because he told me right during or after he went. He only went a little bit each time and then when we got off the potty and into the living room and were there for a few seconds he wet his britches. Maybe it is just a matter of staying on the potty longer. I'm not sure. We will just keep going off his ques and not push anything to much right now. He loves play dates! Playing with Spencer, or Belle and Gracie is so fun! And he talks about it for days afterward. His best friend is Calli. Its fun that she is over 2 days a week and he looks forward to those days. They love playing together and reading stories. Their conversations crack me up!

Example : Conversation between Noah and Calli.
Calli found the found the book she gave him for Christmas.

C- I found your present Noah! I bought this for you
N- Yes you did. You did that for me.
C- Ya I bought this for your present at the store. I picked it out to give you.
N- Ya I like it. It's mine. Can I have it?

She hands the book to him

N- this is mine because you gave it to me for my Christmas. I opened the wrapping paper for it. ...So its mine. Thanks!
C- you're welcome. Can I read it now? 

Deana-  I am doing good on most days. I am so grateful to be a mother and wife and I love those roles. I love the sweet and silly things the kids do. I love taking care of them and Sean and making sure the house is always clean and orderly, and making sure we have good meals to eat. I love planning fun things to do. Building forts out of blankets and chairs and the couch, reading stories, tickling my littles, going outside to the swing set. I am busy all day taking care of them and playing and planning and budgeting and making sure every thing is going to plan. I sometimes get lost in all that I am doing and feel like I am going to fall. Its a weird feeling. I'm not sure what I am going to fall from but I just get a falling feeling. I am still struggling with depression and anxiety. I have good days and very good moments throughout the week. I can't stress how much I love my family. They really do make me so so happy. There is just another side of me that wants to break down and go to sleep and not have to wake up. Not in a creepy I want to kill myself sort of way. Just I don't want to exist. I know that sounds paradox but its just how my head is working these days. I want to just be happy and enjoy my sweet little ones. I know I am so blessed to have the things I have. I wish I could just stop. Stop feeling the way I feel sometimes, stop hating myself and my thoughts. I guess mostly I don't feel worthy of having the things I have. I feel like my kids and husband are too much for me. That my friends are too good. That one day they will wake up and realize that I'm not what they thought I was. I feel like my sisters and parents are disappointed in me. I didn't mean this to be what it is ending up being. I was going to just write about how happy I was and how sweet my little family. But then my fingers just started writing my thoughts instead of what I had planned to write. Its kind of therapeutic. As I write this I want to delete this whole thing and start over though. I'm not sure if I will or not. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or thinking I'm a nut case. I just want to be real. The reason I started writing this blog was for my kids. The one I was growing and the ones I knew I was going to have. I want them to know what life was like for them growing up. What life was like for me while they were growing. The good the bad the average. I don't want to skip over things just because it wouldn't fit nicely into a Disney movie.  I hope none of them every go through what I am right now but if they do or know someone who is I want them to know my raw feelings while I was. Maybe it will help them. Maybe this will help me? I don't know.  Other than the looming depression stuff I am good. I started a work out program last night. Its called Bikini Body Mommy Challenge. The woman who founded it did it twice to lose her baby weight and now is doing it again to lose baby weight. Its nice having a women who looks like me doing the work out instead of a super fit women who makes me feel like an idiot trying to work out.  She is sweaty and winded by the end of the work out too so I feel like I'm on the same level and will get better with time. She lost 100 pounds the last time she did her program so I am hoping to lose 10 or maybe 15 pounds. I was 20 pounds lighter before I had Noah but only 10 lighter before I got pregnant with Rebekah so I would be happy with something in between. I don't think my body will ever be what it was before I had Noah. I'm excited to get fit and to have more endurance and energy during the day. It will also be really nice to look in the mirror and not grimace. I went to Downeast basics and spent the giftcard I got for Christmas. It was really fun. Melissa Burnham and I split our Christmas giftcards with each other so we got lots of things from different places. I am so happy with my new clothes. Melissa has really gotten me into wearing leggings with a big shirt most days.Its so comfortable but can be dressed up really easily. I have been looking at pinterest boards for easy sewing projects and it makes me really want a sewing machine. Someday **sigh** Sean and I mostly watch tv shows at night after the kids go to sleep. Its nice having the down time to just relax but I would like to start playing some games at night to keep things interesting. He is a cutie though. I am happy doing anything with him.  I'm so blessed to have him as mine. He takes care of our family and especially me. 

2nd day of work out. I'm sore. 

Sean- Sean is really enjoying his time off of school. He has signed up for two online classes that he needs to do before he applies for the Ultrasound program in March. Online will be a great break from his normal full time schedule at ASU. And the bonus is that Rio Salado will let him work at his own pace so he can get through the classes quickly enough for the apply deadline. He has been teaching himself the guitar with the help from a few apps on his Ipad. He has gotten quite good. He knows a lot of chords and the beginning to Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. He has fun playing his guitar with Noah and Rebekah loves the sound of them both playing. He is going to start getting back to the gym most nights which will help with his energy levels as well. I love watching him interact with the kids. They just adore their daddy and he gets such delight out of making them laugh. He has been picking up a lot of my slack around the house and taking care of the kids when he is home. I just love him.

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