Breastfeeding can be hard... but so worth it

I have made many pro breastfeeding statements on here before, so you you would think that even when its hard I would have the patients needed to just pull though right? Yeah, sad to say that assumption is wrong. I know its only been 2 weeks but I was ready to just give up and do bottles. Gasp!! I know, so not cool. I know that some people have to use bottle feeding because the baby won't latch or the mothers milk dries up. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Its just something that happens sometimes and you just do what you can for your baby. My problem was that in the hospital the nurses showed me the wrong way to get him to latch on and the lactation consultant just had me the shield after working with me for only 15 or so minutes. Noah is definitely getting the milk he needs (he is growing so much) and I have a great milk supply ( In fact I leak all the time, Amanda said it will balance out in a week or so and not leak as much or as often). The issue was that every time it was time to feed Noah I would have to find the shield and take time to get it on right. Its such a hassle to mess with that while trying to keep myself covered. Another thing is that the shield hurt to use. The plastic was just uncomfortable and pinched my nipple. No bueno! I was sick of using the shield. I felt like I was a failure because my baby didn't want my nipple. I would try and try to get him to latch on without the shield and then after him getting fussy and me crying because he wouldn't latch on I would just give up and use the shield and then in turn be in pain. Even when I would by some miracle, get Noah to latch on without the shield it would hurt.

In case you didn't know what a shield is, this is it. It suctions onto the nipple and pulls the nipple out. Also its way long so its east to get into the baby's mouth. The issue with the shield is that if you use it too long the baby gets used to the hard plastic and won't nurse from the nipple because it is soft tissue and its harder to suck from. The shield makes it less work.

Another thing going on with me is I have been going through some depression. It's normal for some women to have this happen after birth because of all the hormones, its a chemical reaction. I just feel horrible that I am sad sometimes for no reason. Especially when I have an amazing beautiful baby boy to take care of. I hate the feeling of not being in control. Its the worst to not be in control of yourself. I am fine for most of the day but then at some point, usually at night right before bed, I get anxiety and I start to cry. I feel like a bad mom and that I'm not doing enough and that Sean does so much more than me, that I failed because I can't breastfeed without a stupid plastic cover, I worry about when Noah is older and we have another baby if I can handle it, I'm stressed because the nursery still isn't done. It doesn't help that we don't get much sleep either. Sean wakes up when its time for Noah to eat at night but then he kind of doses off while I feed him, then he wakes up, burps Noah and puts him back in his crib. I'm so grateful for a husband like Sean. He cares for me and Noah so much and takes care of both of us. I know its not my fault I am depressed and its not the fault of anyone. Its just something that happened and I have to work though it. Good news is that its getting better. Sean is a huge support. He comforts me and tells me all that I am doing is so good and that its all for Noah. He assures me that when it is time for more kids that Heavenly Father will prepare us for it and that I don't even have to worry about that for another year or so anyway. I know that I do a lot for our family but it's hard to see that sometimes. Sean and I both do a lot for each other and Noah. We are a good team :)

So with all the non sleeping and feeling icky I had a break down at my parents house two days ago on Friday. Sean and I took Noah over there because he had to fax some paper work for Sean's work. I was so exhausted and I was trying to feed Noah and he would not take my nipple so I restored to the stupid shield. Then I just felt so bad that I couldn't do it. I felt like maybe if I had more patients he would do it. I went to my parents bedroom to nap. Later Mom came in to check on me and it all just came out. I started crying and let her know all my feelings as stated above. Dad had just come home too so he came in a listened to me cry. They both comforted me and assured me that its normal to feel that way and that all new moms have  hard time in the beginning. I said that everyone makes it look so easy. They said that most people have help in the beginning. My mom had her mom come over for the first two weeks after her babies were born. Amanda had my mom stay the night for 2 weeks as well when Cortney was born. Sean and I just thought it was something we had to do ourselves. Sean came in a saw me crying still and he hugged me til I calmed down. Mom told us that she decided she was going to spend the night that night and let us get a full nights sleep. I pumped milk for her to feed him and Sean and I got to sleep in our own bed. It was so great to sleep for 7 hours uninterrupted. I felt a little guilty not being with Noah all night but Sean said that it was ok and its what we needed. Plus Noah got some bonding time with Grandma. Other big news is that his umbilical cord fell off that night.

Mom and Amanda also had a gift for me. They had me call this lady named Mary. She is a lactation consultant and the one that Amanda used when she was having breastfeeding problems. Amanda said that she would be able to help me to get off the shield and that she would make me feel so great. This is exactly what happened! She cost $40 to see and mom and Amanda paid for us :) Very sweet of them. I called her that Friday and made an appointment for Saturday at 12pm. When we got there she came out to meet us. She was so kind and welcoming. She had Sean sit next to me and she took Noah to examine his mouth and how he sucked. She said that he put his tongue up to the roof of his mouth and that would be something we have to teach him not to do so he can latch on correctly. She then examined my breasts. She said that I have great milk supply and that I was meant to breastfeed. Also she said that my nipples were perfect for breastfeeding. The only issue was getting Noah to latch on. Turns out I was taught wrong at the hospital. Mary had me use the breast friend (breastfeeding pillow). She said that she was going to get him to latch on first and then have me do it. It was amazing! She only had to try once and he latched right on! The best thing is that it didn't hurt! I cried I was so happy. It was the first time he had been on that it didn't hurt. I told her that and she said that its not supposed to hurt. I knew that but I had just dealt with the pain because I wanted him to eat. She then took him off and had me try. I got him on, on the first try as well. I felt so great!! She told me how good I did and that I am a natural :) Sean was so proud too. I would recommend her to anyone having problems breastfeeding. I am so happy that I don't have to use the shield anymore. Its one less thing I have to worry about. Mary weighed Noah before and after eating so she could see how much he gets in a feeding, to make sure he is getting enough. With in just 10 minutes on one side he got 1 1/2 ounces. He is a good eater! Then on the other side he got a half ounce with in just 5 minutes. He now weights 7lbs 1 ounce. He is just growing so much, yet he still looks so tiny.

In other news, I am down to 146lbs. Only 17lbs to go til I'm back to my pre- pregnancy weight. Breastfeeding does wonders for your body because I haven't been doing any working out at all :)