Wishful Thinking

Fact: I'm a working mom.

Another Fact: I would much rather be a stay at home mom.

 I am happy to help support our family while my hubby goes to school and gets the learning so he can make the big bucks someday. I just wish the someday was here already. I knew when we got married that this was going to be my role. I was fine with. I still am fine with it for the most part. Its a sacrifice we make so that we can have the things we need. You know like a place to live and food. I don't complain too much, thats what the hubs says anyway, but its pretty hard sometimes. I knew that in the beginning Noah would sleep most of the time I was away at work anyway. That's not true anymore. He only takes an hour nap 2 times while I'm away. Sometimes he takes his afternoon nap pretty late so its when I get home. That means I'm away for 8 hours while he is awake. I can potentially miss quite a lot in that time. I try not to think of it while I'm at work. Otherwise it makes my day pretty crumby. I say this as I'm typing out this post at work! Haha I know I don't listen to well to the advice from working moms about keeping work and home separate and putting 100% into each one when you are there. I'm more of a !00% when I'm home and 90% at work. Don't get me wrong I'm good at my job. My boss likes me and I get all of my work done sometimes I even end up doing other peoples work. I do spend some time texting my mom and Sean about what Noah is up to. Also I take the occasionally blogging break.  Like I said earlier, I am fine with working and I have no issue with mom's who work for the want, not the need. For me however, I don't want to be a working mom if it's not a necessity. Call me old fashioned and anti feminist but for me the women's place is at home with the family. GASP! Feminist all over the world just died a little inside thinking I set back women's rights a couple decades. So sue me. I think you can get a lot of fulfilment through being a mama at home. I would love to have the 50's back where it was uncommon for women to work and they mostly stayed at home with the kids and took care of the families needs. I was totally happy and willing to work before we had Noah. Now that I'm a mom though its hard. When our babies are big enough and in school I will definetly want to work or volunteer to keep myself busy and helpful. Right now thats where my mind is.  I could very well be the creepy head wife on that movie Stepford Wives. . . . ok Just Kidding! I'm not that extreme people!

I know lots of women like to work and are able to find a good balance with work and home. Well I just happen to not be one of those super women. I think its a huge task to find that balance. I've been a working mom for a year now and still haven't found it. Trust me I'm trying!!

I had a big talk with Sean last night and we decided I need to try harder to be ok with working. Not that I've been a crazy mess or anything but I can do better. I work 8 hours at my full time job and then after work I tend to do 3 or 4 massages during the week. Most days I really am fine with working. I make the best out of the time I have with Noah and Sean. Most of the massages I do I try to schedule for when Sean will be home to watch Noah or when he will be sleeping anyway. Its about quality time not quantity of time spent. Some days however are just harder than others. I will have a bad day at work and then that just makes me resent having to be here and not at home. Also when I find myself enjoying work I feel guilty. Like I shouldn't want to be here, I should be miserable because I'm not with my Noah and I could be missing something great. This thought process isn't healthy. Either way I feel bad. It has to change.

How is that going to happen? I have no clue!

I guess its just all mental. I just have to reassure myself that I'm doing whats best for my family right now. Also I know that Noah is being taken care of by my mom. He is in loving and capable hands. The reason this subject came up in the first place was because we were discussing the time line of baby #2. If its hard leaving one baby how much harder is it to leave two? I guess we will see. We made a decision of when we will start TTC for #2. We actually had made the decision of when it would be months ago but we just reconfirmed when that was. We prayed about it fervently and feel like its a good choice. Not telling when that is though. Sorry. Sean wants to keep that between just us. You will find out when I'm all preggie :) We know we aren't ready right now. We both have some things to work on before that happens. I for one need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to be a working mom of two. Also we have some budget things to work on. Sean needs to be sure he can continue to be awesome with school with one more cute baby distraction. Also Sean doesn't want me working either so its a issue with him too. He wants to feel more like he is providing for us. He really is though! School can be tough and its a huge sacrifice for him to do school full time and work part time. I really appreciate him doing that.

Baby time is in the foreseeable future though. We don't want too big of a gap between our babies. Sean still has 3 years of school left. Then when he graduates and gets a good full time job I shall retire my working mom status. Til then I just need to be happy with our situation and make the best of it. Advice on anything about working momness is totally welcomed for any moms out there.

Something that does make it easier for Sean and I to be happier with me working is to think of the other option. I could be a stay at home mom right now. The down side to that would be: Sean would have to do either:  A) work full time and go to school part time, making him be in school even longer and barely making enough to support our family. We would be even more poor than we are now and it would be a huge financial struggle  B) go to school full time, work part time and we live off student loans. Which would come back to bite us in the future when we have a crazy hard time paying them back. Also the amount he gets wouldn't change til after a year of my income going away.   The issue with both of those scenarios is the subject of medical insurance. My work offers great plans at a low cost. If we were to get it on our own it would be through the roof.

P.S. Just to be clear: I hope I didn't sound all ungrateful or whiny in this post. I am so happy I have a good, well paying job. I really am ok with working most of the time. (the medical benefits boost that up as well) I do like my job and my co workers. So its a good environment. Sean and I both would prefer the stay at home mama business though.